Patrons of the Absurd

Is Holding Weird Press Conferences an Impeachable Offense?

2009-01-10T00:00:00.000-08:00

Check out this bizarre press conference that Blagojevich held after being impeached by the Illinois House, in which he essentially argues that he should not have been impeached because he did lots of good stuff. As TPM points out, the Tennyson quote at the end is not to be missed.

Eye of the Beholder

2009-01-09T23:26:00.000-08:00

When you're a forensic musicologist, everything looks like a prehistoric rave site....

We're Back

2009-01-09T22:38:00.000-08:00

After a hiatus of absurd length, we are back. Somehow we cannot resist beginning the new year with the glorious title of this case decided ... uh, last year ... by the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals: United States v. Approximately 64,695 Pounds of Shark Fins, No. 05-56274 (9th Cir. Mar. 17, 2008). POA readers who are legally inclined are encouraged to submit other amazing case names in Comments. Here, we'll give you a couple more examples: United States v. 11 1/4 Dozen Packages of Articles Labeled in Part Mrs. Moffat’s Shoo-Fly Powders for Drunkenness, 40 F. Supp. 208 (W.D.N.Y. 1941); United States v. One Package of Japanese Pessaries, 86 F.2d 737 (2nd Cir. 1936). Bonus points for absurd case names that are not in rem actions.

Happy New Year!

The Azerbaijani Minister of Culture and Tourism

2006-04-27T19:01:00.000-07:00

Today, at a conference held by the U.S.-Azerbaijan Chamber of Commerce, the Azerbaijani Minster of Culture and Tourism entreated all the conference attendees who had not yet visited Azerbaijan to do so, because, as he put it, "The sooner you come, the later it will be!"

Palaeography Skills

2005-03-01T20:38:00.000-08:00

"You know, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills... Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills." POA readers interested in brushing up on their awesome ancient document parsing skills should visit the web site of the UK's National Archives. Check out the palaeography tutorial.

Estonian TV Commercials

2005-02-24T00:20:00.000-08:00

I imagine most of our readers have already been confounded by these insane Estonian commercials, especially this particularly disturbing one about meat and this nearly indecent one that appears to be about ice cream. Thanks to some guy named Stevenf for the link.

Happy Birthday to Lorenzo

2005-02-22T06:51:00.000-08:00

Hope it's a good one!

Welcome Back, Martha -- er, Wall Dog!

2005-02-19T10:36:00.000-08:00

For those readers who haven’t yet seen the March issue of Martha Stewart Living (you know, like, while waiting to pay at the supermarket), the Editor’s Letter is something special. Penned by editor in chief Margaret Roach, it provides a revealing (perhaps unintentionally so) glimpse of Martha’s life in the slammer—and what we can expect when she’s released in March. It’s scary. The letter is not available online, so I’ve reproduced selections of it below.

Roach tries her best to stay cheerfully on-message: Jail has been nothing but a positive learning experience for Martha, whose irrepresible cheeriness conquers all. And we at Martha Stewart Omnimedia just can’t wait to have her back!

This year, we usher in spring with an extra measure of gratitude, because the month of March not only marks the vernal equinox on the twentieth and start of our Northeast growing season, but also Martha’s homecoming…

...When Martha announced last fall her decision to serve her sentence, she said she would be back in time to plant her garden. As promised, she will…

…The thing about Martha—she is always Martha and never idle or distracted or down. She remains ever the can-do optimist, starting letters from prison with sentences like “Today was a pleasant day,” and after a passage looking ahead to 2005, ending with “Let the fun begin!”

And yet reading between the lines, we start to get the impression that 'Camp Cupcake' hasn’t been quite the home-away-from-Turkey Hill we’ve been led to believe:

Martha also continues to be the most resourceful person I know. “See what one can do with nothing?”she wrote not long ago in an upbeat letter full of anecdotes about her many adventures in creative reuse at Alderson. And later in the same letter: “I hope you enjoyed just a glimpse of some nice things. There are many others to recount.”

The tales were always surprising: foraging for wild greens, such as dandelion, on the prison property to augment the limited fresh vegetable offerings in the diet there; decorating the chapel for a memorial service with whatever remnants of the growing season nature had left behind by late fall; cooking up impromptu recipes in the microwave with whatever very basic ingredients the commissary had for sale.

Hmm...foraging for wild greens? Hunting for calories by microwaving Fritos topped by French’s Mustard and a few packets of Sweet N’ Low? A pathetic prison funeral decorated with withered vines and rotting squash? (And who died?) This sounds more like a harrowing attempt to survive a Russian gulag than an “adventure in creative reuse.”

Roach goes on to tell us about Martha’s many ways to keep busy—teaching a yoga class to inmates, crocheting toy oposums for her dogs (really!), and casting a nativity set for her mother using old ceramics molds. But the ending of the letter is where things get plain weird:

Martha and I have been many places together: state fairs around the nation, 4-H Club bull judgings, pie-eating contests, and out-of-the-way eateries on the back roads of America. And at each one, she has been curious, irrepressible, hungering to try, to taste, to learn. Admittedly, we have never been anyplace as unexpected as the visiting room at Alderson, where she was very much herself, even after a long day of sitting, punctuated with conversation, card games, and Scrabble. And then, suddenly the sitting became too much.
“Wall dog,” she said out of nowhere as she got up from her chair, motioning to me to follow her. “Wall dog!”
And so we went to lean against the visiting-room wall for a modified version of the yoga pose called “downward-facing dog,” a great back and shoulder stretch, from which she seamlessly moved into a headstand.
Nobody in the visitor center seemed surprised. They, too, have gotten to know our Martha, always formidable, always moving forward.

Wow—does anyone else get a Robert De Niro in “Cape Fear” vibe here? Martha pulling herself into a perfect headstand with “Love” and “Hate” tattooed on the knuckles of each hand? No wonder none of the other inmates said anything: ‘Yeah, there goes Wall Dog again. Don’t stare at her—she’s crazy!’

I wonder if Roach and the other staffers at MSO are really looking forward to their first editorial meeting with 'Wall Dog' back at the helm. Be brave, Margaret, be brave!

Sketchy?

2005-02-18T22:07:00.000-08:00

A strip club in Boise has come up with an interesting way of circumventing a municipal anti-nudity law that seems to be modeled on the Supreme Court's famous Miller test for obscenity.

Layout Problem

2005-02-17T01:34:00.000-08:00

Does anyone else think it's strange that the Democratic National Committee's splash page appears to introduce new DNC Chairman Howard Dean as an attractive young black woman? Plus, what's with the grainy, jaggy .gif signature? OK, I'm going to bed.

Moral Values?

2005-02-16T18:01:00.000-08:00

Just when you thought the Jeff Gannon story couldn't get any weirder, John Aravosis over at Americablog suggests that Gannon, in addition to being a fake reporter with access to classified documents on the Valerie Plame affair and a pitcher of softball questions to the president on behalf of the GOP, was also a gay prostitute.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.... But in addition to the photo links (not safe for work), we here at POA particularly enjoyed Aravosis' conclusion to the posting:

This is the Conservative Republican Bush White House we're talking about. It's looking increasingly like they made a decision to allow a hooker to ask the President of the United States questions. They made a decision to give a man with an alias and no journalistic experience access to the West Wing of the White House on a "daily basis." They reportedly made a decision to give him - one of only six - access to documents, or information in those documents, that exposed a clandestine CIA operative. Say what you will about Monika Lewinsky - a tasteless episode, "inappropriate," whatever. Monika wasn't a gay prostitute running around the West Wing. What kind of leadership would let prostitutes roam the halls of the West Wing?

Thing is, Bush seems to be "untouchable" on such issues, for some reason that remains mysterious to me. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that even if Bush himself were caught actually having sex with a gay male prostitute in the Oval Office, his loyal party brethren would be quick to characterize the episode as an admirable example of economic, er, stimulation, as well as a return to the classical values of the ancient Greeks.

UPDATE: The Washington Post has a nice round-up here. Thanks to Barrucca and Lorenzo for the tips.

Genius, Now In Session

2005-02-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

As the greatest living practitioner of the art of the absurd -- its Michelangelo if ever there was one -- Michael Jackson hardly needs the patronage of this site, which is dedicated to publicizing genius that has yet to be recognized. We will not, therefore, be chronicling every turn of MJ's latest masterpiece/child molestation trial. But as the court proceedings get underway, it is worth pausing for a moment to ponder the awesome talent of this man, a creature who is preposterous simply in the act of drawing a breath. Consider the list of "possible witnesses" at the trial, from today's AP report:

"Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross, Chris Tucker, former child actor Corey Feldman, Backstreet Boy Nick Carter and younger brother Aaron, CBS correspondent Ed Bradley, CNN's Larry King, Fox broadcaster Rita Cosby, New Age guru Deepak Chopra, illusionist Uri Geller, illusionist David Blaine, Las Vegas tycoon Steve Wynn and relatives of the late Marlon Brando."

While I do not possess the legal sophistication of Cosimo, it seems to me that this group of witnesses has no rational justification in any conventional defense strategy. (Do they really need the testimony of two different 'illusionists'? And what, pray tell, does Deepak Chopra have to offer here?) There are only two credible explanations for this veritable parade of absurdity:

Jackson's legal team is actually trying a variation of the risky defense strategy used by Slobodan Milosevic, who attempted to subpeona 1,631 people, including Bill Clinton and every other major world leader he could think of.
This is no legal strategy. Instead, MJ is once again blurring life and art, forcing us to spend our days anxiously anticipating the lead-in to "Extra" ("Show us on this doll exactly where he touched you, Mr. Feldman.")

Nearly three decades of Jackson-watching tells me it's the latter. Indeed, the news that MJ was hospitalized today with the "flu" suggests that he may be saving his strength for something big. I haven't been this excited since Prince Michael II was dangling four stories above the streets of Berlin.

DeBarge, the Great Bard of Love

2005-02-10T18:34:00.000-08:00

Tempted to pen your own Valentines note to that special someone? Don't even try it. As Norman Analista, our favorite columnist from the Guam Pacific Daily News, reminds us in a stirring appreciation of classic pop ballad lyrics, there's just no topping the smooth poetry of George Benson. Nice...

What's in a Name?

2005-02-09T17:31:00.000-08:00

I just love this headline. The school's web site fudges the name, calling it "GDA," or "what is now called Governor Dummer Academy." Personally, I prefer "the academy formerly known as Dummer."

Funeral Defense Gear

2005-02-04T09:23:00.000-08:00

Here is a picture of a flamethrowing hearse. Just because.

Spatula City!

2005-02-04T09:10:00.000-08:00

Fans of the movie UHF, as well as spatula fanatics in general, will be pleased to know that they can send virtual spatulae to each other using Spatula City's user-friendly spatula interface.

Knitting is Complex and Dangerous

2005-02-04T08:49:00.000-08:00

CBS News reports that knitting isn't just for girls. As further evidence of this, I refer our readers to Yossel's Toessels, a glorious web site dedicated to one male knitter's fantastic headwear designs. Be sure not to miss the models.

Groove is in the Hard Drive

2005-01-30T22:37:00.000-08:00

As D-Qwon once asked, are you ready to get your Groove On? Check out this site to learn some awesome moves.

Bill Gates: The Centerfold

2005-01-30T15:04:00.000-08:00

OK, faithful POA readers: we're back! And so are these astonishing pin-up photos of Bill Gates, which appeared in Teen Beat magazine in the early 1980s and have recently resurfaced on the web, to our great delight.

The 'Real Genius' Does Get the Babe -- At Least in China...

2005-01-27T07:53:00.000-08:00

The PRC is abuzz with the news that Yang Zhenning, the 82-year old Nobel prize-winning physicist, has wed a 28-year old graduate student, Weng Fan. I'll refrain from the temptation to connect Dr. Yang's luck in love and his Nobel prize, which was awarded in 1957 for his "penetrating investigation of the so-called parity laws." On the other hand, it is impossible not to point out the look of utter contentment -- okay, let's be honest, the shit-eating grin -- on Dr. Yang's face in all available photos since news of relationship broke.

Imaginary girlfriends

2004-08-18T08:55:00.000-07:00

Apparently, romantic relationships are now among the services that can be distributed via the Internet. And I'm not talking about Match.com. For about $45, ImaginaryGirlfriends.com will arrange to have one of its professional freelance girlfriends send you letters, photos, poetry, and other trappings of amorous entanglement. A significant, yet virtual, other. It's just like dating, but without the hassle.

Sounds pretty good to me. I could use an imaginary career.

More information on this novel service is available here. This is my favorite snippet from the frequently asked questions:

Q: Do I have to write back to my Imaginary Girlfriend?

A: No! You do not have to write back or acknowledge your Imaginary Girlfriend. You will receive all promised letters and services as normal per your order.

Two questions come to mind immediately. (1) Why no imaginary boyfriends? (2) Can you order an imaginary girlfriend for somebody else, as a gift? Imagine a future where we are all spamming each other with imaginary girlfriend correspondence, to the point where it becomes difficult to distinguish between letters from our actual girlfriends and those from our faux flames. We will all need imaginary girlfriend filters.

Making Pizza for Kim Jong-il

2004-08-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Boboli. This is, to put it mildly, bizarre.

MmmDick?

2004-08-07T22:43:00.000-07:00

I just returned from dinner at a popular French restaurant on Melrose Ave. in Los Angeles, where I was seated next to a party that included comedian Andy Dick, as well as Taylor Hanson of Mmmbop fame. As if a double celebrity sighting weren't enough for one evening, Andy Dick and Taylor Hanson then began kissing. Extensively. For several minutes. They also giggled intermittently, which made me think they might just be giving us something to talk about. So how about it? Do any POA readers know if these two Hollywood hipsters are an item?

Gana La Verde

2004-08-03T23:15:00.000-07:00

There are so many things wrong with this reality TV show, I don't even know where to start. From today's LAT.

Dying wish

2004-07-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

Let's hope we can honor Joan Abbey's last request.

Let's play a game

2004-07-24T15:15:00.000-07:00

Which is the Reuters story, and which is the Onion story? Thanks to Parag for the link.

Extreme kidnapping

2004-07-24T10:02:00.000-07:00

Courtesy of Howard Stern, here is an idea for readers interested in being kidnapped. Having staged my own kidnapping once, I found this delightful. Any takers? Link forwarded by POA reader Asaf.

Burn! Burn! Burn!

2004-07-13T23:47:00.000-07:00

I think the best part of this news article on a thwarted book-burning ceremony is the list of sponsored advertising links located to the right of the text, hawking various fire-related goods and services. Maybe they figure book-burners need fire-retardant clothing? But then again, do book-burners read the news? Hmmm.... Link courtesy of Barrucca.

Roman à doigt

2004-07-12T21:29:00.000-07:00

An imaginative friend of mine once suggested that a novel could be transmitted in morse code by someone blinking their eyes rapidly. This is not quite as cool, but it's a close second.

The booth babe business

2004-07-03T10:43:00.000-07:00

For those POA readers who couldn't make it to the recent Electronic Entertainment Expo in Los Angeles, Erin Bell went undercover to investigate the phenomenon of booth babes and their power over computer gaming nerds.

Can't make this stuff up

2004-07-01T21:56:00.000-07:00

This is one of the better case names I've come across recently: Platoro, Ltd. v. Unidentified Remains of a Vessel, Her Cargo, Apparel, Tackle, and Furniture, in a Cause of Salvage, Civil and Maritime, 695 F.2d 893 (5th Cir. 1983). Plus, it has a great opening. The court begins by noting that "[t]his case has a long and complex history." Then it sets the scene: "In 1555, the Spanish galleon Espiritu Santo sank in a storm."

One of my other favorites: In re Cruciferous Sprout Litigation.

Abuse of discretion?

2004-06-28T23:16:00.000-07:00

Think jury duty is creepy? Then don't read this lurid tale of a district judge in Oklahoma, who apparently had a habit of, er...pleasuring himself on the bench. Link courtesy of The Smoking Gun. No Learned Hand jokes, please.

I hate when that happens....

2004-06-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

Apparently, a woman in Iran has given birth to a frog. This news is brought to you not by Star, the Enquirer, or The Daily World News, but by the BBC. Maybe they're experimenting with a tabloid news format?

My favorite tidbit from the story is below. You never know, it could come in handy during Final Jeopardy:

Medical history recounts stories of people who believed they had frogs - or even lizards or snakes - living and growing in their bodies. One of the most famous was the 17th Century case of Catharina Geisslerin, known as "the toad-vomiting woman" of Germany.

Putting the "ow" in "meow"

2004-06-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

Well, gotta solve the CA budget crunch somehow...

One for you budding lawyers

2004-06-23T22:57:00.000-07:00

(Or, "Oh, hello, Mr. FBI man...")

I look forward to paying no taxes this year.

http://www.861.info/
http://www.taxableincome.net/
http://www.861evidence.com/
http://www.theft-by-deception.com/

I mean, people are really serious about this shit.

Competitive Eating: The Movie

2004-06-19T11:55:00.000-07:00

"Every American is eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day. They’re just not eating on a competitive level."

This is my favorite quote from a new documentary film called Crazy Legs Conti: Zen and the Art of Competitive Eating. The film follows Crazy Legs Conti, a New York window washer and member of the International Federation of Competitive Eating, through his "rookie year" in competition. In a recent publicity stunt to hype the film's premiere in Manhattan, Crazy Legs attempted to eat his way out of a telephone booth filled with popcorn, equipped only with a snorkel and a mask. Any POA readers who have tried this know how tough it is.

Incidentally, the film, which screens today at 4:30pm at the Laemmle Sunset 5 as part of the Los Angeles Film Festival, is reported to reach its climax at Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Contest. This event is described as "the Tour de France of competitive eating." Has anyone heard of this contest? If so, why didn't somebody tell me about this sooner?

Gotta go. I'm getting hungry.

I saw the flame!

2004-06-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

The Olympic Torch Relay recently passed through L.A., epicenter of our blogdom. For those of you who missed it, below is a recap from a trusty Patrons of the Absurd operative who was knee-deep in the hoopla. Enjoy.

If you get a chance this afternoon, you might think about stepping out (or
looking out your window) around 5:30pm, because the Olympic Torch relay is
coming through Koreatown and downtown. I rode my bike to see it in Santa
Monica this morning, and have to confess it was a lot of fun, in the
big-hearted, wholesome, slightly corny way that parades are supposed to be
but rarely actually are. There were like 75 people at the corner of
Wilshire and 23rd alone, and bunches more scattered up and down the
boulevard. Everyone was smiling and snapping photos, and the guy carrying
the torch looked really excited. An older gentleman standing next to me
said he had carried the torch 20 years ago for the 84 Olympics here in LA.
He was beaming just remembering how much fun he'd had.

But wait, that's not all! There's also an advance team of fifty support
vehicles, a flock of motorcycle cops, a biplane overhead trailing a
Samsung/Olympic Torch banner, and the Coca-Cola/Samsung hype squad. Awwww yeah! A bunch of dancing, high-fiving twentynothings skipping back and
forth between a Coke pace truck and the crowd, passing out "I saw the flame"
pennants and complimentary 20 oz. bottles of Coca-Cola C2 (the new,
low-sugar, low-carb Coke), plus some guy with a Mr. Microphone on a flatbed
giving shout outs to every retail establishment in sight and getting half
the names wrong -- "Big ups to California Cafe Chicken!" Good times. And
that's not just the C2 talking!

Editor's Note: Slightly corny?

The Artist Formerly Known as Madonna

2004-06-17T23:35:00.000-07:00

I know Madonna has done some weird stuff in her time, but this was a bizarre headline.

Afterlife Telegrams

2004-06-15T23:58:00.000-07:00

This is a wonderful idea.

Gutsy Women Unite!

2004-06-15T23:20:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've blogged, and as Barrucca ben Hayim Mendez points out, it certainly isn't for lack of material. As an example, Gutsy Women Travel is a nice little web site for the gutsy woman traveler in all of us. The site urges its readers, "Come along with me, be a gutsy woman---you know you already are!" This would be enough to merit a link, but as Barrucca notes, the best part is the testimonials page. I'm not sure what's better: the concept of a "Gaelic Hiking Trip," the fact that two of the testimonials are from someone named Marybeth Bond, or the fact that rabid Gutsy Women fan Marybeth Bond turns out to be the author of a travel book called..."Gutsy Women."

Update: Those readers traveling with lil' globetrotters may wish to check out Gutsy Mamas.

Acronym heaven

2004-06-03T12:26:00.000-07:00

Typing random nonsense acronyms into Google is terrific fun! Who'd have ever guessed...

DMRI
SPLD
HCLU
TRMA
SDIM

Etc.

Boy crazy!

2004-05-31T10:35:00.000-07:00

It's about time I blogged about Boy Crazy, the amazing trading card series featuring "real" male heartthrobs for teenage girls. Where to start? My friend, a Buddhist monk, gave me a pack of Boy Crazy trading cards for my birthday last month, and I think he's made an addict out of me. The cards feature such eligible young bachelors as Jared, who says his best quality is that he "doesn't care what other people think." His worst quality? "Sometimes, he does care!" Rock on, Jared.

But wait, there's more: don't miss the Boy Crazy web site, the front page of which encourages readers to "Check out the Boy Crazy Boys." Now, I'm no marketing guru, but maybe the company ought to change its name--it seems to me that teenage girls probably aren't tearing their hair out to acquaint themselves with guys described as "Boy Crazy Boys." One more quibble: Boy Crazy claims to be "the first magazine written by boys for girls." But I think they're a little late.

In any case, visitors to the site will get to know a host of teenage hunks with eerie, android-like names such as Austin 15 and Martin 7. The award for coolest hair should definitely go to Matt #73, who recently did some exciting work in Hollywood. Please add any other Boy Crazy gems you find to the Comments below.

Polls we'd like to see

2004-05-31T10:27:00.000-07:00

A recent poll suggests that Audrey Hepburn is "the most naturally beautiful woman" ever. Which raises the obvious question: who deserves to be crowned the most unnaturally beautiful woman? As always, we eagerly await your responses.

A question for our readers

2004-05-31T09:53:00.000-07:00

What is the book, film, or other topic or event you would most like to see transformed into a musical? The Chicago Manual of Style? The Hollywood Museum of Death? Or perhaps Escape to Witch Mountain? We're feeling inspired recently.

Pirouette pit stops

2004-05-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

The Roanoke Ballet Theater recently performed an original ballet about NASCAR. A ballet official with the company explained: "By opening up our thematic interests, we open ourselves to a whole new segment of potential dance lovers." I'm not sure how many dance-loving NASCAR fans are out there, but I still think this is a fantastic idea. The photo on the ballet's web page features a helmet-clad ballerina striking a very Matrix-like pose on a racetrack. Next up: demolition derby ballet? Thanks to Dizzy-D, toujours en première position.

Good ol' fashioned American ingenuity

2004-05-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

This is genius. Don't miss the sizing chart and pricing.

Can you hear me now?

2004-05-14T22:25:00.000-07:00

No? What about now?

Collation, collation, collation

2004-05-11T11:27:00.000-07:00

I am now the proud owner of a red Swingline staper, an ultracool gift from my sister and her boyfriend, who are also fans of the film Office Space. Apparently, Swingline never even made a red stapler until the release of Office Space, when fans of the film overwhelmed the company with requests. I'm so excited! Does anyone need anything stapled?

Not a French dating service

2004-05-09T17:18:00.000-07:00

Can't get enough of those freedom fries? Join your countrymen here at Fuck France. They might as well call it "Fuck Muslims". Nothing like a little racism to brighten up the day.

The GOP answer to JDate

2004-05-08T13:26:00.000-07:00

Republicanism: not just a political party, it's a way of life! You know how on JDate they ask you whether you're reform/conservative/orthodox? I wonder what they do here -- conservative/ultra-conservative/neo-con? Or by name: Powell/Rice/Rumsfeld? Or by target: Al-Qaeda/Saddam/Brown people? Christ, I could think of a million of these.

As a public service to you, I logged in to check out the goods. And I found some very lovely eligible GOP singles, like this handsome gentleman, or this other guy, or this self-hating homosexual, or how about her, her, her, or (oh God) her? Friends, it's a goldmine.

Follow your nose?

2004-05-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

This just about sums things up.

Subservient chicken

2004-05-08T11:30:00.000-07:00

This may be old news to some readers, but I thought it was worth a mention: Burger King recently launched a bizarre viral marketing campaign based on a web site called Subservient Chicken, where a man dressed as a large chicken will do just about anything you type into a text request box. Don't get naughty, however, or the chicken will scold you. The site is premised on the notion that at Burger King, you can "Have it Your Way." There was, I am pleased to say, a five-minute controversy in my household over whether the chicken was a live performer responding to actual requests, or just one of those prefabricated subservient chickens. I won't ruin the suspense, but I have to say, I was impressed that the chicken would respond to a request to "pee in the corner."

Ancedadvay Earchsay

2004-05-06T09:27:00.000-07:00

Old-school readers of this blog may have noticed that Google's language preferences include the option to display the Google interface in pig-latin. This is, of course, wonderful news.

More creation science merchandise

2004-05-03T13:38:00.000-07:00

UPDATE on the post below: readers unable to procure creation science T-shirts may wish to purchase such audio treats as Buddy Davis' new CD, "Creation Musical Adventures". I just came across Buddy's web site, and I can't get enough of it. In an interview conducted by Dr. Donald James Batten, a self-described Australian Creationist Agricultural Scientist, Buddy is described as someone who "almost had a country music career." Hmmm. Sounds like there might be a good country music song in that sad story. You can download samples of Buddy's creationist songs for children here. My favorites are the happily dogmatic "That Didn't Happen by Chance," and the nearly incomprehensible "It's Designed to Do."

The miracle of the dinosaurs

2004-05-03T13:12:00.000-07:00

Someone at the New York Times must have had fun reporting on a new creationist dinosaur theme park in Pensacola, Florida. The park, called Dinosaur Adventure Land, promises to entertain kids with "mind-blowing lessons" about dinosaurs, without that pesky evolution stuff. Not wanting to miss out on the fun, we here at Patrons of the Absurd did a little investigative reporting of our own. The theme park's web site offers visitors the opportunity to "Buy T-Shirts," which you know I was excited about. But strangely, the T-shirt link only brings you to the mysteriously named "Dr. Dino" creation science evangelism web site, which as far as I can tell, offers only one T-shirt. It does look pretty good, though. The image is a bit fuzzy and I'm having trouble with the link, but apparently, the T-shirt reads: "Have you been Brainwashed by you [sic] public school science textbook? God created the earth, no matter what you were taught!" Now I'm in a pickle: I strongly desire this T-shirt, but I don't want to support the creation science evangelical cause. Mine is an exquisite agony. Thanks to Jack Balkin for the pointer.

The secret meaning of KFC

2004-05-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

For all those hard-core fans of the Restaurant Formerly Known as Kentucky Fried Chicken (you know who you are--go grab another bunch of those flimsy napkins and wipe your greasy hands off before touching the computer keyboard), Slate has a fascinating historical analysis of the protean word "KFC." I say "word" because as you finger-lickin' experts know, "KFC" is no longer an initialism, but a monogram that stands for nothing. The company ditched the words "Kentucky Fried Chicken" back in 1991, fearing that the word "fried" was a no-no in that health-conscious age. Woody Allen might consider this short-sighted. I say "protean" because it looks like the Company Soon To Have Been Formerly Known as KFC may be at it again, and seems to be using subliminal messages to achieve its nefarious ends, no doubt in a nod to the 2000 Bush Campaign. So, all monogram muckrackers and corporate cryptographers, grab your decoder rings, and check this out.

In north London did Tottenham Hotspur a stately soccer dome decree

2004-04-30T16:55:00.000-07:00

Is your favorite sports team on a losing streak? Perhaps what it needs is a poet in residence. The Tottenham Hotspur soccer team of north London recently took on poet Sarah Wardle to write soccer-inspired verse. See here and scroll down for some examples of her work.

I Cook for Myself Alone

2004-04-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

This is the eerie title of a new anthology of low-budget recipes compiled by French prison inmates as part of a contest. "Inmates are always coming to me for advice about food and diets. So it seemed a good idea to encourage their interest," explains the French prison doctor who conceived of the book. There is something distinctly French about this project.

Found stuff

2004-04-29T08:51:00.000-07:00

I just came across a fantastic web site that I'm sure all of, I mean both of the readers of this web site will appreciate. It's astonishingly good, and it's called Found Magazine. The site features random photos, notes, and recordings that were found and sent in by readers. Having briefly perused the web site, I can assure you that there are some *real* gems in there. Warning: the site is extremely addictive. Be sure not to miss the audio finds, and the picks of the week. Thanks to lies.com for the pointer.

Must be the new-car smell

2004-04-22T22:42:00.000-07:00

I can't think of a better compliment to Renault automobiles.

Absurd engines?

2004-04-10T00:25:00.000-07:00

Incidentally, does anyone know of a good way to find absurd gems like the one mentioned in the post below (apart from visiting this web site, of course)? Relying on natural language searches seems unlikely to work--how could anyone have predicted the juxtaposition of truly bad rap lyrics and Britain's royal family? I think I'm looking for a search-engine-like tool that may not exist. Ideally, it would scan the web searching for unlikely or ironic combinations of words. How would such a tool work? What parameters could you feed it to constrain searches? Any ideas?

The greatest argument for the abolition of the monarchy yet

2004-04-10T00:10:00.000-07:00

The comment above is one Londoner's reaction to a "rap poem" written by UK Poet Laureate Andrew Motion last year in honor of Prince William's 21st birthday. Three questions immediately come to mind: (1) Why did no one write anything this weird for my 21st birthday? (2) How did I miss this in the news last June? (3) Why does the first photo caption fail to address the most compelling part of the picture: the image of Prince Charles jamming on a set of turntables with DJ Floyd D? I think my favorite line from the rap poem is "It's a day to celebrate/A destiny, a fate;/It's a taking to the wing,/A future thing."

Not safe for work

2004-04-08T13:59:00.000-07:00

A better summary of John Ashcroft's character I've yet to see. Click:
Small version
Large version

How to tell when your anger-management session is failing

2004-04-02T14:17:00.000-08:00

On a recent kayaking trip in Hawaii, our group's guide told us that kayaking could be dangerous for couples, who often got into arguments over which way the kayak should turn, or who was responsible for a capsizing. He recounted one particularly memorable episode in which a marriage-counseling group booked a kayak trip with his tour company as part of a couples' weekend retreat: "I've never seen so much fighting," he said. "They were practically throwing each other into the water." Apparently, this self-defeating phenomenon is not unique to watersports. Thanks to Ichiblog for the pointer.

Ok, so the wall isn't THAT great

2004-03-13T18:48:00.000-08:00

So the Chinese are admitting you can't actually see their Great Wall from outer space. Since the government doesn't want to perpetuate that myth anymore, they're taking it right out of their elementary school textbooks. Wonder if they plan to do the same for that whole Maoism/communism thing.

Appetite for Destruction of Playground Equipment

2004-03-05T15:29:00.000-08:00

I'm a big fan of tribute bands, having been introduced by Barrucca to 80s rockers Metal Shop. Now comes Li'l G'NR, which claims to be the "first ever Guns 'n' Roses kids tribute band." Be sure not to miss the audition video.

Dick has balls, but he's mostly just an ass

2004-03-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

Dick Morris thinks that George W. Bush can annihilate John Kerry in November by painting Kerry as a liberal extremist who is soft on Terror. How should Bush do this? Morris proposes three tactics.

1. Go negative and attack, attack, attack: "There are likely those in the White House who are urging Bush to run positive ads. That won't work."

2. Get voters to ignore the sad state of the economy by frightening them about terrorism: "He needs to elevate the sense of threat so that his advantage as a war president begins to count."

3. Pull US troops out of Iraq: "President Johnson kept the troops in Vietnam and lost. President Nixon was withdrawing them, and he won."

The utter contempt this viewpoint shows for the judgment and intellect of the American people is just appalling.

But perhaps I am going a bit overboard. Dick Morris is the same genius who told Bill O'Reilly back in January that Howard Dean was unstoppable and that Al Sharpton could win South Carolina.

Woman uses BJ defense against vehicular manslaughter charge

2004-03-03T18:19:00.000-08:00

"His pants could have been down because he was mooning a car he was drag racing," Platt said. "His pants could have been down because he was urinating out of a window. His pants could have been down because he wasn't feeling well."

Oh, well then, case closed.

Wu are you?

2004-03-01T14:21:00.000-08:00

This nifty web site will create a nickname for you "on the real," i.e. in the style of the 1990s hip-hop group the Wu-Tang Clan.

Speaking of the pole position...

2004-02-25T18:13:00.000-08:00

Frankly, I'm amazed nobody ever thought of it before.

The joy of open government

2004-02-25T15:43:00.000-08:00

One of the nice things about an administration dedicated to the principle of open government is that it discloses all sorts of important information to the public, like how NASCAR drivers go to the bathroom. This was one of the exciting secrets revealed by Washington insider (and NASCAR driver) Michael Waltrip in an exclusive e-mail forum published on the "Ask the White House" web page. At first, I found this to be an odd addition to a government web page, but then I realized that Waltrip's advice ("Well, you hold it. You can’t cross your legs. So you just gotta get really good at holding it") is meant as a kind of metaphor for how the country is supposed to react to the burgeoning national debt--just grin and bear it! Thanks to Talking Points Memo, always in the pole position.

Perspective on Prop 57

2004-02-24T17:59:00.000-08:00

Californians are being asked to vote for Proposition 57, a $15 billion bond measure to bail out the state's record budget deficit. It may just pass, thanks to Governor Schwarzenegger's, um, charm.

For a little perspective, we're burning through nearly $15 billion in Iraq every three months.

It gets so lonely being a left-wing nut

2004-02-24T10:37:00.000-08:00

If you think extremists on the left are the only ones upset with the "two-party duopoly" and eager to support a third-party egomanic, think again.

Turns out that extremists on the right aren't such huge fans of George W. Bush either. The answer? Forget Nader. Draft Moore.

(Come on, I'm sure we all remember this guy.)

Radical Cheerleaders are back

2004-02-24T09:11:00.000-08:00

A squad of radical cheerleaders is bringing anti-war and pro-labor chants to the city of Los Angeles, dropping positive rhymes on a street corner near you. The author of this LA Times account notes that the practice dates back to the Vietnam war, and that one LA-based group has "won fans with their ability to yell 'Stop rape!' while balancing on each others' shoulders." For more information on radical cheerleading, click here. Thanks to The Sparrow for the tip.

The soothing power of music

2004-02-23T16:42:00.000-08:00

The BBC recently ran a story about a flare-up involving an innovative use of Johnny Cash's song "Ring of Fire." I welcome your comments.

Huh?

2004-02-23T13:50:00.000-08:00

As the gay marriage debate heats up, I'd like to bring your attention to Arnold Schwarzenegger's position on the topic, as expressed in a CNN interview on August 28, 2003. The governor is quoted as saying that "gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman." Hmmmm. Hard to argue with that.

Don Giovanni wants to marry his own mother-in-law!

2004-02-23T13:32:00.000-08:00

Apparently, someone has made an opera about the Jerry Springer show, and it's winning awards in London.

A very good place to start

2004-02-22T22:11:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the first installment of Patrons of the Absurd, the blog brought to you by the Medici. In the coming days, we plan to disseminate news relating to absurdity culled from the arts, the media, and elsewhere.